After the trend setting wave of blogging seems to have subsided, I decided to start one.
I watched a very empowering speech by a woman who I feel made life just a bit more relate able with her perspective on blogging.
I'll admit she didn't make groundbreaking science or really wow me, but she knew where the heart of her audience was.
Right now I'm in a mix of things and I feel like there's more than one way I'm supposed to move. I feel like I'm being pushed by everybody to fit their ideas of a perfect world. I probably asked them to because I couldn't for the life of me find a sign pointing in the direction "I" wanted to go. I asked everybody and anybody the question of "what do you do?"
Everyone started giving me answers and directions but I was not happy with any. Now I have pieces of all those starts, sometimes with names attached, but deep inside theres also negligence. I've neglected all those ideas and everything attached. Now I'm writing again asking the same question but I really hope to a very different person. I hope I'm asking myself "what should I do?".
I want a boyfriend. I want a career started. I want to be who I thought I was going to be at this point in my life. I want to have fun with my friends who support me for my decisions and who I don't mind telling about my love life without them getting weird. I miss my lesbian friends up north. I could give them unconditional love and never have to worry about awkwarding our relationship. I hate feeling like I'm living a lie or "acting" wrong to the people I'm around. I hate when I have to deal with not returning affection I don't really want to return. I hate trying to love people I don't love. I hate making them heartbroken even when I swear I've told them a million times before. I want to love in my own way, not theirs. I'm tired of loving everyone else in their own way. That probably seems weird to read.
How do you love someone if it's not really you loving them? I wish I knew. I wish I could be strong and have my personal space without feeling like I'm treading on other people. All these things and more will come to light maybe. I just want my life back. That's where my heart is. The red and blue beating thing belongs in the left cavity of the chest, not everywhere else.
